In many families, the mother is the diabetes expert. The father remains on the sidelines, scared of doing something wrong. The effort to conquer this fear and spend time can be very rewarding.  

Maybe you can remember back to the time when your first child was just born. The first time alone with the baby… Many fathers prefer to postpone this a little. This is understandable. Who wants to learn to juggle with the most precious porcelain? Indeed, many mothers would certainly like to take the maternity sister straight home with them. In the first weeks there are many situations in which young mothers also feel helpless.

I would like to share a story of our family’s experience stemming from that time. In the mother-and-child group of my daughter, there was a session for fathers. The fathers were together with their children and the group leader in one room, while the mothers drank coffee in another. When the session was finished, I asked my husband how it went.

“OK!” he said. “But there was one guy there, the father of Thorben and Max, that kept showing off. He was so good with the two children. Boy, did he get on my nerves!”

During the session, the poor mother of the two had been waiting outside in fear, wondering how he would get on at all—his first time alone with both the children!

It’s actually the same thing when a child is diagnosed with diabetes. Suddenly the parents are faced with a whole new array of challenges—things that they have never had to deal with in the past. And, of course, fear. Fear to do something wrong, fear to overlook something important, fear of making wrong decisions in times of emergency.  

Time for hands on! 
These fears are totally understandable. As is true for many things in life, what happens in practice doesn’t even remotely resemble what is supposed to happen in theory. The only thing that helps in this situation is practice, practice, practice. Even the parent that rarely comes into contact with the daily care of the children shouldn’t be just familiar with the theory. Most learning takes place through practical experience. It is like when a new baby is in the house. The father (or working mother) will usually find some time to help out with the routine care, especially in the evenings or on the weekends.

The same applies to taking care of a child with diabetes. The first attempts are usually awkward, and things are bound to go wrong, but both child and parent will benefit in the long term. Only by giving it a try, will one be able to deal with the daily problems that crop up. And another thing—the more hands-on experience the father has, the less likelihood of conflict.

You can do it  
In case you are really worried about doing something wrong, bring in a coach for a day. You will do the measuring, calculations, injections, but under the supervision and assistance from the diabetes professional. Or, pretend to have diabetes yourself for day and carry out all the steps together with the child.

If the child is old enough, it can pretend to be the diabetes professional who has to take care of you. Children appreciate it very much when they see that you are trying to put yourself in their shoes, experiencing the world from their point of view. Making mistakes is not so bad. On the contrary! You learn from your mistakes, and making mistakes only proves to your children that you are human, making it easier for them to talk about their particular difficulties they may be having with therapy. 

When should I start?
Admittedly, one does need to take the time. There is no getting around it. It is best to build a solid relationship with your child as early as possible. It is not a matter of quantity. Even if you are extremely tied up with your job, it is still possible to develop a good relationship with your child. It is important to take time to be with your child, as opposed to taking time for your child.

For instance, children do not appreciate your long nights spent in front of the computer, surfing for information on diabetes in the internet, or spending long conversations with doctors and medical insurance companies. On the other hand, the children certainly do notice if you play ball with them, or read them a book, or think over together just why it could be that their blood sugar level has just risen, or get cross over something with them, or laugh over something together. These are the things that mean so much to children, and they will not be forgotten. 

What do you wish for?
Talk to your children about their wishes and expectations. What would they especially like to do? Only when children realize that you are sincerely concerned about what they think and feel, will they open up. Diabetes should not always be the major topic in the father-and-child relationship. On the contrary: It is important for father and child to have fun when they are together. There are much more interesting things than diabetes. And remember—nothing bonds like the sharing of mutual experiences.

The ‘parent team’
The parent who spends the most time away from home during the day is often used as a ‘conflict solver’ when he or she gets home. Often it is the father, who is then faced with uncomfortable decisions—not exactly the best way towards a fond relationship. Each parent should find their own solution as to how to deal with the children. Support each other through difficulties, and think over together how things can function better.

Yes, being a father can be very difficult but, more importantly, also extremely fulfilling and exciting.

Contact:
Dr Heike Sassmann
Department of Medical Psychology
Hannover Medical School
Tel: +49 (0) 511/532-4433
E-Mail: sassmann.heike@mh-hannover.de